GEJ VS OBJ: CLASH OF THE BARBARIANS

‘It was Mark Twain that said never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference. Letters are flying everywhere and as Twain preached, we can’t tell who the real fool is. GEJ or OBJ?’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘The letters na. Where have you been all this while?’

‘I have been looking for job my brother. I have been to all the companies on Marina road, sent application letters out, yet no call for interview or test. I must get that job, in Jesus’ name. That’s how busy I have been. What’s my business with letter and no letter? I heard about it but, truth be told, I can’t be bothered.’

‘I’m bothered brother. I’m.’

‘Who wrote the first letter? Lecture me about the whole saga.’

‘Baba. Baba wrote the first letter. Baba shot first and did it under the watchful eyes of every Nigerian. In the letter he said that GEJ was a manipulative liar, a disgrace to PDP (People Destructions’ Party) and an embarrassment to the whole world. Many things are in the letter.’

‘Chai, you don’t mean it. Baba can vex sha.’

‘Yes, senseless annoyance. Not only that, he mentioned some names in the letter as well. The people, who, according to him, run the country and who owned the country and the deciders of how the country works were watching GEJ. He took GEJ to the bathroom and washed him and treated him like a primary school boy and tongue whipped him. In fact, there are so many things in the letter that I can’t remember.’

‘How can I get hold of this letter?’

‘You can buy it in any shop or from street hawkers. It is doing well in the market. Even Iyabo, baba’s daughter, has put mouth in the matter. She told daddy that he did not own Nigeria and should desist from writing nonsense.

‘Really?’

‘Yes. She told her daddy to shut-up and let the man GEJ do his work.’

‘Are you exaggerating the facts my brother?’

‘I’m not o. Just try to pick the letter up and read for yourself. On your way to Marina, you can buy the spiral bind copies of the letter or you can simply download it online.’

‘I get internet?’

‘I would get it for you then.’

‘But, why didn’t baba do it secretly?’

‘Do what secretly?’

‘Talk to the president secretly. Haba, can’t he respect the chief commander of federation of Nigeria? Can’t baba at least use his senses and respect that fact?’

‘You know baba has no time to hide things. Don’t forget that once a soldier always a soldier. And this is the proverbial wind blowing a fowl’s asshole.’

‘What has soldier life got to do with letter writing. I mean nobody is saying that he should not correct the president. No one is saying that he should not point out issues but there are ways of doing things.’

‘What ways? GEJ deserved that dressing down.’

‘Why?’

‘Why not? Are you blind to the things happening around you? Are you not the same person that is complaining about jobs?’

‘This my job thing has been on since Obasanjo’s tenure.’

‘Your situation is knock-kneed. Well, GEJ needs to sit up.’

‘Whatever. I don’t care. I know GEJ replied.’

‘Ha! If you see GEJ’s reply. The grammar in it, hmmm, nor be here. I didn’t know the man could write. The man finished baba and even addressed OBJ as baba in the letter probably as a sign of respect. GEJ behaved like a respectful school boy addressing teacher or telling teacher not to teach him nonsense.’

‘Is the letter out in the open too?’

‘If it is not in the open, how would I have read it?’

‘That’s true. So Nigeria’s problem has turned into a battle of grammar blowing between two adults.’

‘Yes, they have turned our case to that. The president’s letter was so long that I began to ask myself, if a president were so busy why or how would he have such a time to write so long a letter to OBJ. His response was faster than his response to the ASUU strike. Now, we can’t tell the difference between the two.’

‘They are expressing how they feel.’

‘This country doesn’t need the feelings of these individuals. This country needs the positive actions of these individuals. This country craves people who would act on meeting the crying needs of Nigerians. The grammar started since independence and that’s what they are still feeding us with. Nothing good ever comes out from the clash of an elephant, only the grass suffers. Nigerians equals to the grass.’

‘So you are telling me that it is wrong for them to come out and fight in public?’

‘What I’m saying is this: if the two of them know what’s wrong with the country then they should come up with practicable solutions. If they know the country is heading towards disaster they should work together to fix things. If they know Nigeria needs help, all hands should be on deck. All this APC, OPC, PDP, or PDD is not helping. Just another set of crooks looking for opportunity to purloin the nation’s wealth.’

‘What is purloin?’

‘Steal.’

‘I see.’

‘Didn’t they watch Mandela? Would any, I mean any Nigerian president be remembered like that? Can you mention anyone?’

‘Babangida.’

‘Babangida ko, Abacha ni. None of them would ever shake the world like that. Now that GEJ has replied, I’m sure OBJ is writing another reply. And when he finishes, he would send it to journalists then we the people would run to read and argue and argue until we forget about our reality. Nothing would move forward. Just our ranting that adds up to the circle of things.’

‘Leave them abeg. How are you celebrating Christmas?’

‘I’m going to church and then come back to cook for me and myself.’

‘Ehn, maybe I would come to your house for rice and chicken.’

‘You can come for rice but chicken, I cannot guarantee.’

‘I’d come for rice and letter.’

‘I have that. I’d be expecting you.’