GEJ VS OBJ: CLASH OF THE BARBARIANS

‘It was Mark Twain that said never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference. Letters are flying everywhere and as Twain preached, we can’t tell who the real fool is. GEJ or OBJ?’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘The letters na. Where have you been all this while?’

‘I have been looking for job my brother. I have been to all the companies on Marina road, sent application letters out, yet no call for interview or test. I must get that job, in Jesus’ name. That’s how busy I have been. What’s my business with letter and no letter? I heard about it but, truth be told, I can’t be bothered.’

‘I’m bothered brother. I’m.’

‘Who wrote the first letter? Lecture me about the whole saga.’

‘Baba. Baba wrote the first letter. Baba shot first and did it under the watchful eyes of every Nigerian. In the letter he said that GEJ was a manipulative liar, a disgrace to PDP (People Destructions’ Party) and an embarrassment to the whole world. Many things are in the letter.’

‘Chai, you don’t mean it. Baba can vex sha.’

‘Yes, senseless annoyance. Not only that, he mentioned some names in the letter as well. The people, who, according to him, run the country and who owned the country and the deciders of how the country works were watching GEJ. He took GEJ to the bathroom and washed him and treated him like a primary school boy and tongue whipped him. In fact, there are so many things in the letter that I can’t remember.’

‘How can I get hold of this letter?’

‘You can buy it in any shop or from street hawkers. It is doing well in the market. Even Iyabo, baba’s daughter, has put mouth in the matter. She told daddy that he did not own Nigeria and should desist from writing nonsense.

‘Really?’

‘Yes. She told her daddy to shut-up and let the man GEJ do his work.’

‘Are you exaggerating the facts my brother?’

‘I’m not o. Just try to pick the letter up and read for yourself. On your way to Marina, you can buy the spiral bind copies of the letter or you can simply download it online.’

‘I get internet?’

‘I would get it for you then.’

‘But, why didn’t baba do it secretly?’

‘Do what secretly?’

‘Talk to the president secretly. Haba, can’t he respect the chief commander of federation of Nigeria? Can’t baba at least use his senses and respect that fact?’

‘You know baba has no time to hide things. Don’t forget that once a soldier always a soldier. And this is the proverbial wind blowing a fowl’s asshole.’

‘What has soldier life got to do with letter writing. I mean nobody is saying that he should not correct the president. No one is saying that he should not point out issues but there are ways of doing things.’

‘What ways? GEJ deserved that dressing down.’

‘Why?’

‘Why not? Are you blind to the things happening around you? Are you not the same person that is complaining about jobs?’

‘This my job thing has been on since Obasanjo’s tenure.’

‘Your situation is knock-kneed. Well, GEJ needs to sit up.’

‘Whatever. I don’t care. I know GEJ replied.’

‘Ha! If you see GEJ’s reply. The grammar in it, hmmm, nor be here. I didn’t know the man could write. The man finished baba and even addressed OBJ as baba in the letter probably as a sign of respect. GEJ behaved like a respectful school boy addressing teacher or telling teacher not to teach him nonsense.’

‘Is the letter out in the open too?’

‘If it is not in the open, how would I have read it?’

‘That’s true. So Nigeria’s problem has turned into a battle of grammar blowing between two adults.’

‘Yes, they have turned our case to that. The president’s letter was so long that I began to ask myself, if a president were so busy why or how would he have such a time to write so long a letter to OBJ. His response was faster than his response to the ASUU strike. Now, we can’t tell the difference between the two.’

‘They are expressing how they feel.’

‘This country doesn’t need the feelings of these individuals. This country needs the positive actions of these individuals. This country craves people who would act on meeting the crying needs of Nigerians. The grammar started since independence and that’s what they are still feeding us with. Nothing good ever comes out from the clash of an elephant, only the grass suffers. Nigerians equals to the grass.’

‘So you are telling me that it is wrong for them to come out and fight in public?’

‘What I’m saying is this: if the two of them know what’s wrong with the country then they should come up with practicable solutions. If they know the country is heading towards disaster they should work together to fix things. If they know Nigeria needs help, all hands should be on deck. All this APC, OPC, PDP, or PDD is not helping. Just another set of crooks looking for opportunity to purloin the nation’s wealth.’

‘What is purloin?’

‘Steal.’

‘I see.’

‘Didn’t they watch Mandela? Would any, I mean any Nigerian president be remembered like that? Can you mention anyone?’

‘Babangida.’

‘Babangida ko, Abacha ni. None of them would ever shake the world like that. Now that GEJ has replied, I’m sure OBJ is writing another reply. And when he finishes, he would send it to journalists then we the people would run to read and argue and argue until we forget about our reality. Nothing would move forward. Just our ranting that adds up to the circle of things.’

‘Leave them abeg. How are you celebrating Christmas?’

‘I’m going to church and then come back to cook for me and myself.’

‘Ehn, maybe I would come to your house for rice and chicken.’

‘You can come for rice but chicken, I cannot guarantee.’

‘I’d come for rice and letter.’

‘I have that. I’d be expecting you.’

Former Captain and The Sinking Ship

A story was told about the former captain of a sinking ship. The tale started when this former captain, with baboonic handsomeness and protruding belly wrote long words on a scroll, which he sent to the present captain of the sinking ship. This former captain lambasted, abused and disgraced the present captain with his brilliance.

            Many asked how this former captain left the ship’s steering wheel and started pointing moral fingers. Simple. His senses came back into his head when he left the helm. Former captain, while in control, killed passengers of the ship, stole gold and destroyed various parts of the ship so bad that when the new captain gained control of the ship he didn’t know what to do.

            To the surprise of the ship’s passengers, the scroll was later put up in a notice board for all to see. The people read the message and opened their mouths, noses and ears in shock. It suggested, among other things, how the new captain should save the ship from sinking. The people pulled their hairs off their heads and some tore their clothes because of what they’ve read. They asked many questions like: how can this criminal begin to call another man a criminal? Who is this former captain?

            One of the occupants of the sea summarised the former king’s ranting with another story. Once upon a time, the occupant began, there was a ship and a captain. This captain was a notorious pirate in his hey days and when he changed his acts, he was given the steering of the ship to lead her to save lands. Everyone believed him. However, when he started his journey, it was said that poisonous sea breezes entered his nostrils and he lost his grip. The ship was sinking and to save it, he quickly started taking heavy gold bars, killing people and returned to his old piratic ways. He could not help it; that’s how the gods made him. The pirate-former-captain asked the people to allow him steer the ship for a third time and the people cried a big NO. He was dropped but still respected. That’s how the story ended.

            The former captain chose another captain. The sea was too turbulent for this thin-new captain and he died immediately after he took control. Former captain, seeing that some other occupants might quickly steal the wheel decided to push a humble man, present in the ship, onto the helm. This new pushed captain did not have shoes, it was rumoured. Everyone pitied him. But when he started steering he decided to buy golden shoes and allowed his lovely damsel to turn the wheel sometimes.

            The occupants wailed with joy. A new journey started. This new captain promised to take them to new lands. He promised the journey would be as smooth as a baby’s bum. The people thanked their gods for such an intervention. Days went on and the storms started again. Like the titanic, this ship hit her first ice and that’s when things began to fall apart. The people ran helter-skelter looking for shelter. Hiding and running away from what seemed like an impending doom, they swam to other shores. Brave people.

            The new captain, clueless and ignorant, lied that nothing happened and claimed his enemies from past put stones to disturb his sail. Again, he promised to fix the issue. The people relaxed and everything went back to normal. Alas, another crash happened. This time, the captain, sent his dog to bark on the people. The dog barked and barked until the people kept quiet. This dog was said to have bitten the captain before some long time ago; he bit the captain until the captain enticed him with fried egufe. The dog ate the meat and forgot himself. He forgot people used to rub his head because, yes, he had the degenerate abilities of biting captains who deceived the people.

             Another storm is dancing in the distance and this former captain has seen it and he’s angry. It was said that he had warned this new captain over and over again and that this new captain would not listen. The passengers asked why this new captain would not listen to the former captain? Perhaps, new captain is angry with the former captain, the passengers concluded. Maybe, just maybe, the new captain wants to ride the ship forever.

            That’s how they are on that ship. Captains always love long rides. They enjoy sniffing in the air that comes with riding such a gigantic, beautiful ship. Regardless of what’s happening in the ship’s cabins. They forget that cabins are part of a ship’s make up.

            It was said that when the new captain read the long scroll from former captain, he laughed and said to his damsel: “My prostitute wife, look at what we have here.” Damsel looked at the letter and shook her head before replying like this: “ Where that dog? Give dog, make he go do woo-woo-woo.” Dog perceived the matter before he was called. At the moment, dog is chasing former captain. Former captain is not running.

            Other captains who know the secrets to saving the sinking ship guide this former captain, that’s how the story went. Former captain, the story also said, boasts that he fathers other sea lords.

This ship is sinking, yes. The passengers know but they would look on. They like turbulence of the sea. Next time the former captain and the new captain meet they would discuss over a bowl of meat. That’s the story of the ship. Nothing is new.

Excuse me! Let’s Drop Religion for a moment.

Religion has caused more deaths than anything on earth. Religion has been used as a tool to separate earth’s citizens into differing groups. History shows us how it has been used as a means to fatten certain pockets and how it permanently places particular persons in perpetual poverty. The advent of religion weakened some individual’s ability to reason.

May I indulge the reader to, for some seconds, imagine a world without religion? Allow your mind to wander the world freely. How is that world?

            A world without religion would be filled with individuals who employ their senses when handling daily challenges they might encounter. Experiences of daily existence would be enough to inject a collective common sense. History would serve, in this world, as books the next generation can study for future progress.

            Excuse me, let’s put Immanuel Kant’s proposition of enlightenment with microscopic eyes. He argues, “Immaturity is the inability to use one's own understanding without the guidance of another. This immaturity is self-incurred if its cause is not lack of understanding, but lack of resolution and courage to use it without the guidance of another.”

            “Without the guidance of another” comes to the forefront here. How would humans behave if they did not cling onto the thinking of another man to define their own existence? The man would, obviously, be very logical. He would have, by intuition, found the difference “wrongness” and “rightness”. Dogmas and formulas; maxims and laws would be garnered from everyday living. Maturity and hard working spirit would be formed as a result of man trying to reason for himself.

            Inner spirituality would be enflamed if the world were not plagued by institutionalised religion. Spirituality is what gives meaning to everything else in one’s life. It is concerned with form or concerned with the intellect and deals with that aspect of life that gives purpose, meaning and direction. People confuse spirituality with religion, but spirituality is more than a religious belief. Spirituality is a larger concept that deals with meaning, purpose and direction in life. Religion is an offshoot of spirituality.

Without institutionalised religion, peace would have meaning. There would be apparently no need to entice a group of persons with that useless carrot—seven virgins waiting in heaven; therefore, no bombings, maiming, lynching and other avalanches of degrading acts. In addition, there would absolutely be no need for certain individuals to throw their hard earned money on individuals who claim they have the power to give internal and eternal peace.

            Religion: don’t argue. Believe! This restricts freedom, which creates a systematic capturing of the mind, and promotes fear to express inner thoughts. Blindly and majestically, followers swim in religious ignorance. Drowning. The public use of man’s reason must always be free, Kant argues. How free can one allow his mind to wander?

            Back to our world without religion; let’s reimagine what would happen to the lives of individuals when they don’t have to connect to God in “holy” edifices. Spaces to build more schools, hospitals and industries would become available.

Freedom exists in this kind of world and ideas are abound which allows individuals work on dreams without the fear of being judged. From birth, these individuals would have been filled with freedom and the ability to reason accurately. The air, the birds, the flowers add to the colours of their mind. There is no bad or good. Smiling, loving, and bold people dot this existence.    

   

            There is a God. God gave us the right type of faculties to figure him out. Every human has the same capability to reason out his own higher being. Religion thwarted that.

 Excuse me, lets drop religion just for a moment and use the brain. If religion was so great, why has it created so many wars? Religion is a man-made poison that only appreciates the external. The man who dresses well is blessed while the man who wears rags is cursed. There is a certain inequality promoted here. The woman who sells her body for sex is evil but the man who sleeps with girls secretly and preaches the “holy” word is respected.

It is lazy, faithless, inconstant, self-seeking followers who are in regular need of prophets to keep them on the straight and narrow road, to remind them of their role on earth and to recall them to the call they no longer heed. That “constant reminder” is what makes humans cling unto individuals, hold them as gods and forget the real God. Another enlightenment is needed.

            Just for a moment, drop that shield of man-made constructs and reason things out for yourself.

All religious leaders fall under this summary: “They pile heavy burdens on people’s shoulders and won’t lift a finger to help. Everything they do is just to show off in front of others. They even make a big show of wearing scripture verses on their foreheads and arms, and they wear big tassels for everyone to see. They love the best seats at banquets and the front seats in the meeting places. And when they are in the market, they like to have people greet them as their teachers.” Woe to you who restrain your brain from thinking, you who allow humans to tell you how to think; for this man or woman might lead you to hell.